Margaret Thatcher’s Letter of Last Resort

To be opened by nuclear submarine commanders if the UK has been destroyed.

19 November 2017

Dear Kaptain: Denis and I are quite annoyed we're dead. This appears a fit and proper time for payback. EXECUTE ON OPENING. Please alter your primary target package as follows: (Note these should be included even if already destroyed.) 1. Washington D.C. (Still pissed since 1812) 1.A Mount Vernon (A gift to George) 1.B Philadelphia (A gift for Ben) 2. Paris (Getting us into 2 world wars) 3. Berlin (The same) 4. Every mid-east capital (2 pounds for a liter of petrol???) 5. Tokyo (For the Bridge on the Rive Kwai) 6. Every former colony capital (For being uppity.) 7. Brussels (For the future when Brexit occurs) 8. Peking (For the Boxers) 9. Moscow (For the iron Curtain)Sevastopol 9.A Sevastopol (For the Light Brigade) 10. Madrid (Trafalgar was good but annoying) 11. Rome (For Henry) 12. Dublin (Oh what the fuck) Further you shall prepare a secondary Monte Carlo target package as follows: Put the top 10 places you hate on slips of paper. Glue these to a dart board. Throw 10 darts. Each slip of paper hit with a dart is an assigned target. (Just for the fuck of it) Finally, you shall prepare a tertiary target package as follows: All remaining warheads except one targeted on the gay baby whales in the northwest Pacific Ocean. (For political correctness.) Reserve your last remaining warhead for use in oppressing any native population where you may finally settle. Best of luck and keep a stiff upper lip. P.S. If Ronnie survived, give Nancy and him our love.


Rt Hon Margaret Thatcher
Margaret Thatcher
Prime Minister
 

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