Barry Ashe Chewey-Toffee’s Letter of Last Resort

To be opened by nuclear submarine commanders if the UK has been destroyed.

9 March 2017

Dear Commander, Thank you for taking the time to skulk beneath the vast impenetrable sea whilst the rest of the proud British Empire repaved itself glowing, flat, and sticky. I do not mean to sound harsh -- in fact, your survival would inspire me greatly were I not flash-fried out of existence. Indeed, when I embarked on a career in Her Majesty's service, I allowed myself to dream of leaving my own indelible mark upon British history. Unfortunately, that legacy is nothing more than a dark, greasy spot on the front doorstep of 10 Downing Street. "Where are you off to, then?" Mrs. Prime Minister had remarked. "Bother that noise! You and your irrational fear of cruise missiles." Alas, for once I was not in the wrong. I did so want to muck about in a submarine one day. Those are the ones that go underwater on purpose, yes? Sail on!

Rt Hon Barry Ashe Chewey-Toffee
Barry Ashe Chewey-Toffee
Prime Minister

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