The FA’s method for choosing a new national coach works as follows.
Firstly, factors such as domestic or international footballing achievements are ruthlessly expunged.
Then the remaining CVs are sorted according to criteria such as Patriotism, Englishness and Bulldog Spirit.
They are then fed into the Barwick-o-tron 3000™ computer in the basement at Lancaster Gate. This machine carries out 10,000 calculations every second, before producing a print-out with the identities of the ideal matches for the job of England manager and their assistant.
This is a simplified online simulation of that mighty machine, made using genuine FA shortlists.
Sorry, the Barwick-o-tron 3000™ simulator requires Flash.
Illustrations by dotmund; ideas from Twohundredpercent