Exasperation
i can't believe i have to keep washing this stupid body until i die
— pascalle (@frenchielaboozi) 27 February 2014
SOCRATES: I am wiser than this man; he fancies he knows something, although he knows nothing—
— leon (@leyawn) April 8, 2015
DARRYL, SOCRATES' FRIEND: fuck him up socrates
IF THE ZOO BANS ME FOR HOLLERING AT THE ANIMALS I WILL FACE GOD AND WALK BACKWARDS INTO HELL
— wint (@dril) May 22, 2012
Stop saying I'm my own worst enemy. My worst enemy is Johan, from the stables; I want him dismissed, but he's curried such favor with father
— Jane Ritt ⚡️ (@heymermaid) May 14, 2016
Cannot stand that Dolmio family. Eating our human food with their revolting felt mouths
— Rup Walker (@rupinjapan) 1 November 2015
"SLOW DOWN, YOU OLD BITCH," I scream at the YouTube knitting tutorial lady.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) 30 January 2017
using microsoft word
— Lourdes (@gossipgriII) 25 March 2016
*moves an image 1 mm to the left*
all text and images shift. 4 new pages appear. in the distance, sirens.
Wordplay
a steak pun is a rare medium well done
— sreegs (@ahuj9) September 16, 2011
This entire shelf of own-brand cereals sounds like an old English army Major, trying to find a euphemism for gay men. pic.twitter.com/Ah7qy8LTqt
— Alex Andreou (@sturdyAlex) March 16, 2017
I believe Slash and Axl actually came to blows over this first draft. pic.twitter.com/Jr1MfV8A2l
— Stuart (@stuartmwrites) 1 April 2016
Every time I collect food from the local pizzeria I can't help speaking in an Italian accent. I've got a disorder.
— Harry Myers (@PeasOneDay) 22 March 2015
Animals
Spider flan
— Jamie Smart (@jamiesmart) 10 March 2016
Spider flan
Who the hell cooked
A spider flan
Cut a slice
Then despair
Eggy spiders
Everywhere
It's gross
Who made a spider flan
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
— Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) 28 December 2014
Horse: Hey!
— Rev. Bison Sexhorn (@Brainmage) December 30, 2018
Shire horse: umm...hi
several animals were harmed in the making of this film. a piece of shit horse nobody liked and a gecko that we straight up lost
— lawblob (@lawblob) October 10, 2013
I don't know why we have three different pig emojis but it's great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
— mah ree nah (@marinarachael) October 9, 2016
🐖
🐷
🐽
[a spider, the first .05 seconds of me walking through its web] oh FUCK yes
— crân-buri-ghân (@bromanconsul) 12 August 2018
My cousin’s grandma Grand Maggie recently told my aunt “I think there’s an opossum in our owl house” and Aunt Molly said “what makes you think that?” and Grand Maggie sent her this picture pic.twitter.com/QzPYY8sTXD
— Mindy St. Clair (@katiesays_) 21 December 2017
New boyfriend is allergic to kitten so can't keep him :( He's ginger & named Tom. Friendly. Comes when called. 28yrs-old & works in IT.
— Periwinkle Jones (@peachesanscream) November 28, 2012
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) 15 March 2016
summer lovin, happened so fast
— Ragen 🦄 (@RagenEggert) 7 May 2017
summer lovin, he scream at own ass pic.twitter.com/203Hantsqe
I like to imagine that this dog has just completed a parachute jump and landed on a woman. pic.twitter.com/3wKmmtpN5X
— John Brennan (@UpturnedBathtub) 4 February 2014
i enjoying mysekf by the lake, but then i remembered instances of regret in my life, and pain i have caused others pic.twitter.com/KASFAIIQWc
— BAKOON (@BAKKOOONN) 8 April 2015
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
— Pixelated Boat (@pixelatedboat) June 12, 2016
'I never thought leopards would eat MY face,' sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People's Faces Party.
— Adrian Bott (@Cavalorn) 16 October 2015
Music
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got...toe-jam football, he got...monkey finger, he shoot...Coca-Cola
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) July 10, 2017
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
I'm sorry Ms. Jackson (Oooooo)/ I am four eels/ Never meant to make your daughter cry/ I am several fish and not a guy
— josh nalven ☕️🐀 (@JNalv) 20 February 2013
Sir Mix-a-lot likes big butts and cannot lie. His twin brother does not like big butts and cannot tell the truth. You may ask one question.
— Ranjit Bhatnagar (@ranjit) 21 December 2013
To the tune of Eleanor Rigby:
— Peter Silk (@KestrelPi) 27 October 2016
Dog in a trenchcoat
Getting promoted at work but then sheds his disguise
Canine surprise
[Dentist waiting room]
— Bear Knee Sanders (@LeBearGirdle) 17 August 2017
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
— chuuch (@ch000ch) 19 October 2013
Miscellaneous
as a child i thought i'd have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
— mike (@boy_from_school) 13 May 2018
[being fired for watching “how dildos are made” on youtube]
— milf is filth (@hellohappy_time) 21 November 2017
MY BOSS AT THE DILDO FACTORY: you should have known all of this already
doctor: i have some bad news im afraid
— dustin Couch (@Dustinkcouch) 25 January 2019
me: what is it
doctor: i just told u. i'm afraid. what if my patients die. what if the big doctor is real. what if there is ghosts
me: ghosts ain't real
*footsteps approach*
*the door creaks open*
ghost: what the fuck is the big doctor
most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
— Cohen is a Ghost (@skullmandible) December 12, 2013
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) June 1, 2014
"Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."
Tbt to Halloween when I dressed as the babadook but my friend's house had more of a grown ups drinking wine vibe pic.twitter.com/PoGKUFeLLw
— Katie Dippold (@katiedippold) June 30, 2016
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
— Joseph Scrimshaw (@JosephScrimshaw) March 10, 2015
I continue to be taunted by my grandfather's killer pic.twitter.com/YRVQvjcP7U
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) 15 October 2013
lol my boss just called me into his office and told me I've been spending too much time on twitter. Hold on he's saying something else now
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) 13 June 2017
does... does wikipedia want me to fuck the pope pic.twitter.com/yqDAAMOGLw
— brexit toblerone (@AliceAvizandum) 12 February 2016
.@parisreview So is Paris any good or not
— Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) 9 January 2013