Wordplay
PUBLISHER: I hope this is better than your last book idea about a murderer called Hurderer
— Tom Neenan (@TNeenan) 31 July 2017
THOMAS HARRIS: Its about a cannibal
P: Go on
I believe Slash and Axl actually came to blows over this first draft. pic.twitter.com/Jr1MfV8A2l
— Stuart (@stuartmwrites) 1 April 2016
Every time I collect food from the local pizzeria I can't help speaking in an Italian accent. I've got a disorder.
— Harry Myers (@PeasOneDay) 22 March 2015
Animal, vegetable, mineral
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) 15 March 2016
summer lovin, happened so fast
— Ragen 🦄 (@RagenEggert) 7 May 2017
summer lovin, he scream at own ass pic.twitter.com/203Hantsqe
I like to imagine that this dog has just completed a parachute jump and landed on a woman. pic.twitter.com/3wKmmtpN5X
— John Brennan (@UpturnedBathtub) 4 February 2014
i enjoying mysekf by the lake, but then i remembered instances of regret in my life, and pain i have caused others pic.twitter.com/KASFAIIQWc
— BAKOON (@BAKKOOONN) 8 April 2015
[plant facts!!]
— dream ghoul (@TheDreamGhoul) 2 August 2016
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren't even real
Exasperation
"SLOW DOWN, YOU OLD BITCH," I scream at the YouTube knitting tutorial lady.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) 30 January 2017
using microsoft word
— Lourdes (@gossipgriII) 25 March 2016
*moves an image 1 mm to the left*
all text and images shift. 4 new pages appear. in the distance, sirens.
Music
I'm sorry Ms. Jackson (Oooooo)/ I am four eels/ Never meant to make your daughter cry/ I am several fish and not a guy
— josh nalven ☕️🐀 (@JNalv) 20 February 2013
Sir Mix-a-lot likes big butts and cannot lie. His twin brother does not like big butts and cannot tell the truth. You may ask one question.
— Ranjit Bhatnagar (@ranjit) 21 December 2013
To the tune of Eleanor Rigby:
— Peter Silk (@KestrelPi) 27 October 2016
Dog in a trenchcoat
Getting promoted at work but then sheds his disguise
Canine surprise
[Dentist waiting room]
— Bear Knee Sanders (@LeBearGirdle) 17 August 2017
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
— chuuch (@ch000ch) 19 October 2013
Miscellaneous/media-ish
I continue to be taunted by my grandfather's killer pic.twitter.com/YRVQvjcP7U
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) 15 October 2013
lol my boss just called me into his office and told me I've been spending too much time on twitter. Hold on he's saying something else now
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) 13 June 2017
does... does wikipedia want me to fuck the pope pic.twitter.com/yqDAAMOGLw
— brexit toblerone (@AliceAvizandum) 12 February 2016
.@parisreview So is Paris any good or not
— Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) 9 January 2013
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
— Pixelated Boat (@pixelatedboat) June 12, 2016
'I never thought leopards would eat MY face,' sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People's Faces Party.
— Adrian Bott (@Cavalorn) 16 October 2015