People often ask me, “Matt, how do you manage to maintain a perfect athletic physique, while disguising it as the body of a lanky nerd with terrible posture?” The answer is simple: The Sloth Workout Plan.
1. Start with quiet contemplation
2. Then crawl out of bed
Take it steady though, there’s no rush and you don’t want to do yourself an injury.
3. Head out for a wander
Set yourself a suitably challenging goal, like reaching the nearest shop, pub or takeaway.
4. Do a bit of gentle weightlifting or some pull-ups
But nothing strenuous that might result in excessive bulk and ruin your sleek form.
5. Swimming is best avoided
It’s basically controlled drowning in your underwear.
6. Try hanging upside-down
…until you get thrown off the kids’ climbing frame.
7. Eat a careful diet
Pizza provides a balanced serving of your five-a-day: meat, cheese, tomato sauce, grease and crust.
8. And keep properly hydrated
9. Know your limits
This poor creature overdid it and collapsed after breaking into a light sweat. Be careful out there.
10. Finally, get plenty of sleep
To maximise this, simply skip steps 2–9.