Stuff & Nonsense

The Sloth Workout Plan

Yes, it’s primarily a thinly-veiled excuse to show some animal GIFs

People often ask me, “Matt, how do you manage to maintain a perfect athletic physique, while disguising it as the body of a lanky nerd with terrible posture?” The answer is simple: The Sloth Workout Plan.

1. Start with quiet contemplation


2. Then crawl out of bed

Wakey wakey

Take it steady though, there’s no rush and you don’t want to do yourself an injury.

3. Head out for a wander

Set yourself a suitably challenging goal, like reaching the nearest shop, pub or takeaway.

4. Do a bit of gentle weightlifting or some pull-ups

Clean and jerk

But nothing strenuous that might result in excessive bulk and ruin your sleek form.

5. Swimming is best avoided

Drowned rat

It’s basically controlled drowning in your underwear.

6. Try hanging upside-down

…until you get thrown off the kids’ climbing frame.

7. Eat a careful diet

Snack time

Pizza provides a balanced serving of your five-a-day: meat, cheese, tomato sauce, grease and crust.

Pizza party

8. And keep properly hydrated


9. Know your limits


This poor creature overdid it and collapsed after breaking into a light sweat. Be careful out there.

10. Finally, get plenty of sleep


To maximise this, simply skip steps 2–9.